I'm not sure how many of you have "added" me on Facebook, but if you had previously you may have worked out after Wednesday that something was pretty wrong.
I am an idiot.
There, I've said it, it's true, 100% I am a complete and utter idiot.
On Tuesday afternoon, my partner of nearly ten years, father of my children, found out about an internet "affair" (if that's the right term for it"), that I have indulge in for a few months with an ex.
He was using my mobile and a text came through from Facebook, which he read.
To say we are over is an understatement. I have apologized so many times but he's not interested and it doesn't matter what excuse I have for any of it, he is, quite rightly, far from interested.
I have not been looking or feeling my best since my son was born just over a year ago. And we have been struggling as a couple.
After 9 years together, we had lost the ability to have a spark. We very rarely go out as a couple, and when the kids go to bed at 7, although most nights Chrissy doesn't nod off until at least 8.30, I am so tired that we often sit in separate rooms using our separate computers.
I think if we are both honest, we both knew we were growing apart, with different interests to each other-I am and always have been a bit of a homebody, whereas Ed likes to go out and dance in a field until daylight.
We had also been having terrible arguments, mainly around the time I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and had had a breakdown of sorts. I have still found coping in general tough.
One such argument I was told that he was bored and didn't fancy me anymore, as I have been putting on a lot of weight. It was due to be it being said in an argument, meant to hurt-lets face it we all do it during a row. But it stuck in my head as i too am not happy with my appearance anymore and have given up.
At the same time, I received a message from my ex, which I found flattering-obviously he hasn't seen me in years, since I was 18, so doesn't know what I look like now. The messages soon got quite personal, but were few and far between.
I had told him I wasn't interested, but in my naive, stupid way I let myself be led on, and for every casual reply I would give, he would send a less than casual message back.
With every month that passed, and as my relationship with Ed became more like the relationship between two flatmates, I found myself replying in the same way.
At no point did we discuss meeting up, it was more that we both said we were in long-term relationships and were bored, we still loved our partners, and didn't want to risk a full on affair meaning we'd lose everything.
And that was that until Tuesday, and the message.
I have tried to change Ed's mind-I don't want to lose him, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone bar my children, and I would gladly take it all back if that were possible. But I can't reverse what mistakes I have made.
At the moment, we are still sharing the house together, but he is determined to find a flat or bedsit and leave me, and take joint custody of the children. I can't stand the idea of him not being here, we have lived together for 8 years, and I am so scared that he'll meet someone else and I'll have to watch him grow used to someone else's quirks. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope without him.