To start with, I just want to send a massive thanks to all of you who left me some very lovely and very wise comments on my last blog. I was quite shocked that there was no trolls amongst them telling me on my other half's behalf what a dreadful tart I was, so again thank you. And also special mention to WADS (Wives and Daughters), a newer blog on the block, but who has passed on a very nice award that I have to say did perk me up a bit.
Well, to update.
Ed went down to Hastings, with the intention of staying, last Tuesday. He had only been back a day after spending the weekend with our old friends down in Kent, who gave me quiet updates that he was fine.
By Wednesday afternoon, he had returned from Hastings, saying he had missed the children dreadfully and couldn't stand being apart from them.
We have talked, but its hard. Most of the time it starts to go into an argument, so we stop, I don't think that either of us wants to upset the children anymore than we have to. Or it gets to upsetting for both of us.
He says the thing that has hurt him the most is not the messages, or the fact he feels like everyone knew but him and thought him a fool, was that he trusted me, and I let him down.
Ed doesn't have trust in a lot of people, and our relationship is the longest he has ever had (despite him being 31 when we met when I was 18). He says it is not just that but he felt we were a family, and now he feels I have destroyed that, and have let the children down too by being selfish.
I have begged and pleaded, and cried until I feel sick. I have then remained quite and let him have his space. But nothing works.
I am coming to terms with the idea of being single. Not being in a couple will be the hardest and possibly weirdest thing for me-all my adult life I have been with Ed in this relationship.
The hardest thing for me is that I didn't just say how unhappy I was in our relationship. Ed says he knew I was miserable, that he tried to make me happy by letting me buy clothes and go out with friends over the weekend. The most hurtful thing is that he told me he would dread me getting up some mornings as he knew I'd be in a foul mood again. I think I was aware of some of thisa, but did'nt attribute it to me, just the problems and stresses I felt.
So now the hard part starts.
Neither of us wants to lose our home-its taken us years to rent a home we like in an area we like and with a human landlord. We also don't want to uproot the children.
The solution being mulled over is that we rent a flat separately, and have half each-three days with the children, three days apart from them in the flat, then a day together, and birthdays and Christmases shared. I don't know how I feel about it.
Our Health Visitor Grace has suggested Relate, but Ed doesn't see the point as he feels he'd never trust me again- he even accused me of flirting with a friend of his this weekend, which was laughable, and I've caught him looking through my mobile and Facebook (which I haven't used since), but I guess the green eyed monster has settled in and that's my own fault.
I really wish things would calm down and he would change his mind, but I really don't see it.
Meanwhile, we're having to act like kids TV presenters all smiles and happy happy happy in front of the children. They seem thankfully unaware of anything going wrong-Chrissy even managed to use her potty this evening with no fuss at all, and was duly given a Milky Bar as reward.
Well, will keep you informed.
I really think you should try relate. Some friends of mine have just started going (they have 2 young children also) and they really rate it. They said its the only time they are able to really talk about what has happened to their relationship without arguing or blaming each other. I think its because there is a third party there so you are generally less defensive and horrible to each other and also you are both given the space to talk and you both have to listen. Tell your partner that relate isnt always about getting couples back together its about looking at what went wrong in the relationship and whether you want it to be fixed. Its also about everybody taking responsibility for their own actions in the relationship so that you dont repeat the same patterns next time. Your new living arrangement sounds quite tricky to me to be honest. It may work short term but I cant see it working longer term. You are either in a relationship or not I think but good luck! Please remember that we are all allowed to make mistakes and nothing really happened. Having 2 young children is incredibly hard on a relationship (I know!). Take care. x
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear it's so tough for you. I remember reaching a point where staying together seemed impossible but separating seemed impossible too. It can take a long time to sort out. We tried relate and it didn't really help us, but it's probably worth a go. You do both need to be into the idea of it though. I'm not meaning to sound gloomy because we worked things out in the end so I'm really hoping you do as well. It's difficult putting on a brave face for the children.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear he's not budging, but I suppose it's still early days. It must be so hard for you all. You won't lose anything by going to Relate. You can go on your own you know, you don't have to go as a couple. Look after yourself x
ReplyDeleteI think, from what you say that it will be okay given time. Good luck anyway!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the mention hun.
ReplyDeleteTime is the greatest healer x