Thursday, 25 February 2010

Dear So and So- Why I will never go on Materchef

Dear Master Chef men.

I don't like you very much, you cause me to cause myself injury that I elsewise would not have caused myself if I hadn't watched your programme last night.
I do admit I didn't like John anyway because he got Elder's lovely friend Leon sacked, but now I have got stupidly adventurous as I felt I was under achieving in the kitchen.
There I was, making my usual Chicken Hoi Sin and Garlic with noodles (and that's perilous in itself due to my ability to burn water), when I thought, hmmm I wont stuff a few Mushrooms in there, I'll spice it up with a few slices of chili. I should have know when elder asked me if I thought it was a good idea.
I washed my hands, and then rubbed my eye.

Enough said.
I am banning The Nephew from sticking it on.

Dear Bin men

yeah, you bunch of lazy Nancy boys, the Pet Shop Boys could carry heavier bins than you. 

I know why you put that ridiculous label moaning my bin was too heavy (even though all 8, 9, 12 stone of me could manage to lug it up the steep hill of my drive in the rain) to get your own back on me for moaning when you left my rubbish for 7 weeks between December and January. 

And the "excess unauthorized rubbish" was my RECYCLING- if you lot didn't lose my box every two weeks I wouldn't need to put it next to the bin. Are you really that stupid you couldn't work that out?


Dear Next Door Neighbour woman.

There we were, happy that we had a couple of nice neighbours either side of the house this time since August, who didn't feel the need to bang on the walls about Mini having a tantrum like the old bat from the last house.
Then the nice Chinese neighbours from one side moved out . 

And you moved in.

Maybe its cos you are French, although every time you have chosen to harass me about mud from the verge outside the houses ruining your new carpet, because of my car, you've had a great grasp of the English language. Shame it doesn't extend to the fact I DON'T HAVE A CAR! No one who lives in my house does, and anyone who visits uses THE DRIVEWAY. Do you not have driveways or neighbours without cars in France?

It will end up that I will fail one day to be in a nice mood and I will scream at you and use "French" of my own. 

Its the neighbour with the posh silver Porsche-but-may-not-be-a-Porsche on the other side of your newly carpeted Chateau.
I like French people, I am teaching Mini the language at the moment. Don't make me add you to the Things that are meaning I need Botox list.

Au Revoir.

To Elder and The Nephew

Stop turning my house into well, a house full of stuff I don't know how to use. I don't even know how to put a CD on anymore, and don't even get me started on Records. WE DO NOT NEED ANYMORE MASSIVE SPEAKERS, SMALL SPEAKERS OR SPEAKERS THAT ARE LOUD!!!!!
I swear I will BAN the pair of you from E Bay.

And Elder, No you are NOT turning my garage into an outdoor studio. Computer nerd Widow is one thing, lost to the Garage widow is a STEP TOO FAR.

The poor Gerbillies are stuck in a corner, feeling unloved, cos Mini can't see where they are, and I'm not cuddling the things. 

Thank you.

Skinny Mini

I may be over reacting, but please stop getting that upset when I pick you up from Playgroup. I am scared that in the day and age we live in, Mary will wonder why you cry and tell me you want to live with Mary. 
Can't you get just a teensy bit kissy and cuddly when you see me? A smile would do.

Love oo Miniature

To all 71 Family Panel members, and everyone else who pops in from time to time

THANK YOU! We have only been live for a month, and I am staggered at the response.

I love you all x



  1. Claire you have just had me laughing out loud at this post. I would love for you to send these letters and then tell us the responses you get returned. Some people just need telling dont they?!?

    We have an issue with two neighbours, drugs and a bin bandit!!!

    Take care xx

  2. LOL! A very funny rant :o) As for speakers & garage widow issues... I'll show you my husband's basement!!

  3. Very entertaining! And you are completely right about Masterchef. My husband is actually going to be on next week, and they were absolutely horrid to him. He's terrified to watch it!

    And don't get me started on the neighbours...


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