Its time for a few Dear So and So letters- this time on the right day!
Dear Garden Wasp
Cheers for making me scared out of my wits by stinging poor Littlest. He did nothing to deserve your furry wasp wrath, he didn't swing at you, scream or act a tit, he stood still and you stung him regardless. I had to straight away get on the net doctor and check he wasn't going to go into a weird fish and pea eating shock. I also had to flurry around my kitchen looking for after bite cream (which I had no of), Savlon and ice to make ice packs for it.
What is the reason for your existence? You don't give us honey like the bees do (who have the good grace to die if they sting us), so may I respectfully ask you to not sting my kids again. Or me.
Slightly hysterical Mother in garden
Dear Wardrobe (now deceased)
I won. Ha ha. Sorry but a 4 year old no matter how many clothes she owns does not need two adult sized wardrobes. You had to go I'm afraid.
Her with the screwdriver set
Whilst I remain impressed in only a way a Mother can at your ability to perform headstands in one leap on the back of the sofa (something I've never quite mastered myself), please refrain from doing so whilst naked. And while we're on the subject on nakedness, please stop playing with your willy. Its just plain wrong.
Whilst you made a beautiful bridesmaid last week (as did Jess, Rita, Neve, Annabel, Elise and Sophie) please do not imagine this gives you rights to become a drama queen. Its not good. It wont be tolerated.
Love oo too
Dear Cher (bloody) Lloyd
Why? Seriously, why? How on earth you feel qualified to sing a song the melody of which you stole from a kids nursery rhyme, whilst gurning in the most unsettling way, and wearing clothes copied from Cheryl Cole and with a haircut shaved at the sides like Cyndi Lauper had (prior to you being born I grant you) about stealing someone else's style (or swagger) and advising them to get their own whilst stealing all of the above, well, its baffling, frankly. If that single (do they still refer to them as such?) goes to number 1, I shall forewith cease listening to the radio in protest. With the exception of Reg Yates request show on Saturday, the only time decent music is played these days. Not saying your song is annoying, but I actually want to remove my ears when its on TV/radio. Swagger Jagger? My arse.
C from Maidenhead