How can a person know what sized turkey to buy when you still don't know, with four days to go who is coming for Christmas dinner?
If it's just Ed the Elder, Mini, Ed the Littler and myself, then a turkey crown will do, as to be fair, none of us are that fussed on the taste side of turkey, and we always say we're going to get something different, but the traditional bit gets us everytime.
However, if it's all of the above, plus my friend Jodie from Kent, her two year old (who is my Godson), Ed's brother and the Nephew, then a turkey crown is not going to be big enough.
Jodie, who is a lapdancer (yes, really) is a size 8 and has a great figure, but can eat two double cheeseburgers and large fries in McDonalds like it's a salad, Alan eats nothing but Fray Bentos pies so gets a good feed up at ours, and the Nephew can inhale a loaf like he hasn't eaten for a month.
But can we get definite yeses from any of them?
Jodie has a good excuse- she's in Kent, and the roads are icy and treacherous, so if she's snowed in that can't be helped.
However, Alan can be phoned every hour of Christmas day from 9am to give him the dinner will be ready in (insert hour here), and he lives not a 15 minute walk from us. Yet for the last two Christmases he has turned up at 9pm, and 10pm. Although he does eat his dinner, even though its cold and dry (see, after those pies anything is better).
And The Nephew has not been seen since Thursday morning, and is missing presumed partying in the depths of trendy London.
So, even though I have bought and wrapped all the presents, have cleaned the carpet, had a mass clear out of junk, and got my dress ready, I still have no bloody food! I hate being so unorganised, and fear at this rate there will be no turkeys, or meat of any form, and we will be destined to eat chicken nuggets and the tub of pasta that's been in the freezer since we moved in.
Bloody bloody Christmas, I shall be glad when its over, and I love Christmas.
I think next year I shall book some seats at my local pub's offering.