Here's a round of letters to the people who I either can't get through to (ie the Bratlings) or should I try to I may be arrested.
Keep mimicking the fake cry of Baby Annabell, and I'll lock her in the toy cupboard permanently. Why can't you just have a doll which looks cute yet says and does nothing?
I love you lots and lots
Stop slapping your sister, elsewise get used to her kicking you back and me plonking you both in your rooms for time outs.
Thanks baby boy
Ps stop calling me Claire. Its Mummy.
Dear Kate Middleton
Oh sweetheart, I feel for you.
You've been Waitie Katie for 8 long years, and in that time you've been photographed in nice normal clobber, and William has....gone nearly bald. I know you're going to have the dress, and the Cathedral and thousands of people lining the Streets waving flags, but sweetie, the honeymoon will end and then you have a life of living up to Diana to deal with. Yes, she was brill was our own Lady Di, but now she's almost held aloft as a saint. We all know she wasn't but, hell, she married that jug eared awkward fellow, so she deserves a bit of respect. However, unless you end all world wars, find an end to hunger and quite possibly discover the hiding place of Bin Laden with only a make up mirror and your nail file, single handedly, you'll always be compared to his Mum.
So, when the Sun does a Fergie on you, and decides you're just not quite Diana, chin up, polish your smile, and remember- whilst he goes further bald, you'll get loads of free clothes! Can't be bad really!
With much respect, hoping you give your cast offs to Windsor Oxfam for me to snaffle up....
Ms C, Maidenhead
Yawn. Can we have New Years already?
Yes, I know you were quite haphazardly manoeuvred across the bedroom by Elder, and yes, you have lots of Christmas presents on the top too, but please, don't sway quite so scarily every morning. The doors not shutting together but rather with the corner of one jutting up quite so much is enough thanks.
Will buy you some glue soon.
Claire, the lady with the shoes.
FIX MY BLOODY LIVING ROOM NOW, LAZY GIT.
Cheers sweetie x