I have just got back from a trip to the GP.
I have to say at this point, as by the end of this post you may think I don't, but I think my GP, Dr S is lovely. Absolutely the best Doc I have ever had, and trust me, I've gone through a few!
Yes, I was saying I was at the Docs this evening, and no, its nothing serious, I'm quite OK, but it seems I may have PCOS. Which there's not much I can do about, and nor can the Docs, its to do with diet and hormone, and anyway I wont bore you.
But whilst I was there, I thought the perfect solution to my PCOS issues was to ask for a sterilisation.
This, though, appears to be a dirty word in the NHS.
This isn't the first time I've brought the idea up. When I had had Littlest, and he was so ill, I straight away made an appointment with Dr S, who referred me, yet I never received an appointment.
Well, of course I asked the Doc, as I thought maybe the referral had been missed, or they had forgotten to send me an appointment.
It seemed not- the hospital had sent my GP surgery a letter, very standard issue and not in anyway personal to me, I don't think it mentioned me by name apart from on the top of the letter as RE: C Curran. Elsewise they'd have had no idea who it was in reference to.
It went on to say that they had received the docs letter, but due to my age (27), and the fact I wasn't married, that it was not felt "appropriate" to offer me an appointment. They didn't even send this rubbish note to me personally, and it had no right of appeal or question to it. It was a big fat No.
The thing is, I have 2 children, who I adore, don't get me wrong. Howver, 2 is fine by me. I am happy with that nice round number, I really can, hand on heart say I don't want anymore. Not now, not ever.
Elder already has an older child too, so he's quite happy with my decision. We may not be married, but we may as well be after 11 years!
The biggest issue is how ill both Littlest and Mini were- Mini was crushed because of a medical condition internally which we didn't know I had until I was having a section- in fact if I hadn't wimped out and tried to give birth naturally, she would have been seriously hurt or worse. Then obviously, Littlest was born at 28 weeks, and spent 4 months in SCBU, and still has underlying health problems now. Again, this was down to me and my health problems.
I don't think it would be fair to risk another ill child- we've been lucky that both have got through it, but it doesn't mean that our luck would continue.
Privately, the idea of more babies or children fills me with horror- I have no sleep, no privacy, am constantly busy picking up and cleaning up after the two we have, as soon as one has new clothes and shoes, its a matter of weeks before the other needs new clothes and shoes. They fight like cat and dog, Littlest does nothing but scream all day and seems to think sleep doesn't apply to him personally, and is up every 20 minutes at the moment. I physically don't feel I could do it all again with another child. That may seem selfish, but surely its better to say "yes, love my children, love kids in general, but hell if I have another one I'll have a nervous breakdown" than to go on having children who I can't mentally handle?
However, even a Doc who remarked at how pale, tired and ill I look (when I'm feeling fine!) will still cut no dice with the Hospital mafia. He has written again, but told me that if I was married and 35, they may say yes. At 29 and unmarried, even with an 11 year relationship, health issues, ill children, premature births and PCOS, they will still more than likely send that standard letter again.
So, really, that means that, whilst this is my body, and if I was an over eater they would offer me a Gastric band, smokers can smoke as much as they like without consequence from the NHS, and a teenager can go have an abortion like its a new version of contraception. Yet me, mother of 2, partner of 11 years, of sound mind an half working body cannot make my own decision. They wont even give me a personal letter, or right of argument on it.
Hardly seems fair, really.
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