Friday, 20 May 2011

Dear So and So: 45k for a BENCH!?

Its that time of the week when I write some letters to vent whatever is narking me off. So here goes:


Dear RBWM Council and Maidenhead Advertiser

Erm, recession- have you not heard of it round these parts? I know that Theresa May has a piss poor dress sense but surely even that hasn't blinded the council enough to think that spending 45k of public money on a BENCH is a good idea.

And this, people, is one bench, not several hundred. The way out of this mammoth cost? Its art, you philistines.

The paper- who we would think would say "that's irresponsible" applauds the move.

Really? No, really? You're not kidding me here?

But then you are the paper for who someone taking an ill advised dump from a tree was a front page headline.

Sort it out, seriously. Where's the anger? Where's the sense?

Ms C, angry in Maidenhead

Dear Super Injunction-ers

You really do take the prize for stupidness. Its so tedious hearing about it, I only hope some smart Lord of somewhere outs the rest of you.

And Imogen, sweetheart- people aren't going to buy you being upset about the publicity if you then go jiggle your jubblies on I'm a Celeb. Does the term "Cashing in" mean nowt to you?

Go away and let proper news back again

 Dear Cheery Ice Cream Chappy
My lovely plan of telling the kids that ice cream trucks were musical cars is dead. And its ALL YOUR FAULT. 
Why oh why did you have to park outside my house with your ice cream posters and drawings and giant plastic cone on the roof? Now they are bloody onto my scheme. Its costing me loads. I cant be arsed by 5pm to say no, I'm done in by then. 

Please, go park somewhere else. Just for a few days. My poor sofa is sticky and it wont come off.

Thank you

Harassed Mum on Clare Road

Dear Elder
How did we manage to organise a party for the same day as Cybermummy? That was so not a good idea

The Missus

Frankly, I think its terrible that you would threaten the very life of a cute dog/fruitbat/urban fox over an IPAD.

So disgusted I would advise everyone to vote for me instead. 

In the UK, we are much more civilised, and I'll give you two words, girlfriend. 


I has me one, good and proper.

Don't you know I don't even own an IPOD! I am so old skool, I still own a record player. And records. My need is greater. 

And young whippersnapper, indeed, I'll have you know I'm 30 next year. Even though they still wont let me buy fags in the supermarket such are my shockingly youthful looks despite my sob story- worthy life (hey I'd win X Factor AND Britain's Got Talent, its that good).


Image: Salvatore Vuono /


  1. Bwahahaahaa!!I recommend you guys give the Ipad to me since you seen to be havng so much trouble sorting it out. PS I'll take the fluffy dog too while I'm at it.

  2. I tell my nieces that when the ice cream man plays the music its because he has run out of ice cream!!! Mwahaha!


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