Monday 16 September 2013

The Rules of the X Factor, by Her Who Shall Never Enter It, Ever (Even When Drunk)

Its the time of year when the nights are drawing in and the threat of epic snow is merely a coca cola Christmas Advert away, and that means the X Factor is back.

Now, I love a bit of X Factor. Not for the traditional entertainment, oh no. I love it as it means I can sit with a gin and tonic, some home made shortbread and settle in for some Twitter comedy. I love retweeting others witty comments and am lucky enough to gauge the mood enough to get some retweets myself.

After many years watching, even though I've not entered myself (as the title suggests), I feel I have some rules to help those, on average deluded souls to not end up comedy value on Twitter.

* Do NOT dress like you've run through a Charity Shop in the Dark.
Some people don't even need to open their mouths to strangle a rendition of a Beyonce tune before they exude comedy possibilities from every pour. Day-Glo, big scary hair, dressing in anything other than sensible clothing which fits and is clean is just a no, frankly.

* Do Not bring in a picture of your sodding cat
What. The.Hell. I thought he was Mickey Flannigan taking the piss. Who does that?

* Do not be over confident if you're not that good.
Kingsland are a prime example of this. They were pretty crap, no doubt that's why they are being touted as the next Wand Erection. Cos they are shite too.

No, just don't, it makes me wish for a trapdoor to open beneath you. I don't care if it's your dream, I don't care if your Nan says you are amazing, if it's a no, have some bloody self respect. Ditto begging.

* Have respect for the Judges (apart from Scherzy)
Gary Barlow is a multi-award winning legend. Sharon gave us (after pinching them off her Dad) Black Sabbath. Louis....well,yes he gave us some crap Irish bands but they did well. So don't slag them off when they say no, these people know their stuff.

* Do not believe it when Sherzy gives you a Shermazing
This is the woman who gave us Doncha' and basically we all know that Pussycat Dolls did well because teenage boys were perving over their cd sleeves. Or fat chavs were trying to look all come hither (bleugh) to their spotty other half (double bleugh). The woman is a glorified Stripper. End of.

* Do Not bring half your flipping family with you
If you want a family outing, go to a zoo, go to a pub, but do not enter the X Factor and then crowd around like its a bus station.

*Do have a USP
Not a sob story. Be different, if you aren't doing your own song, funk up someone elses and make it your own

So, there we are, and I must say I'm glad we've not had any repeats of Nan Gate like last year (yet). I do miss Tulisa though, I'd have rather she stayed and Nicole went, purely because I bet Gaz and Sharon would have made mice meat out of her (and I now keep having Littlest ask me where she is every time the show is on).

Who are you tipping for the top (and thus instant obscurity?) Let me know below 


  1. chantelle hazelden16 September 2013 at 16:02

    Lol this post is brilliant, sob story is a must!!! ;)

  2. hahaha!! Brilliant!


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