Psychotic About Wand Erection?

Unless you live under a rock, you may have seen the show or at least heard about the Channel 4 documentary, called "Crazy About One Direction" (checks for Simon Cowell threatening a Take Down notice again).

I'm not a fan, I don't like their music, I don't find them remotely attractive. 

I, however, was well into Take That back in the nineties. So, I do understand that the band are going to be beloved by girls of a certain age. Teen fandom is as old as The Beatles after all, it's nothing new. 

Is It Just Me: Who Would Never Apply For a Channel 4 Documentary?

I must start by saying that I love reality documentaries. Really, I do, I get some great forum based comedy out of the likes of the X Factor and 16 Kids and Counting (except when I was social media bitch slapped for pondering the width of, ahem, certain areas after 16 natural births). 

However, you would have to be a mentalist to take part in one, right?

I recently saw an irate parent who'd appeared on 16 Kids, she was very unhappy about how she'd been portrayed.  Apparently, it portrayed that they are constantly in the pub and have take away a lot. This, she felt, made them look like chavs. 

Now, I don't know when going to the pub or having a fish supper went hand in hand with being a chav- I thought that you had to wear knock off tracksuits and have a poor grasp of the English language despite a UK birth certificate for that (eg "Innit, nuffink, bruv"), but if they were filming you for several weeks and that's where you went quite a bit, then you can't very well complain, can you?

Its not the first time I've seen people annoyed after an appearance. The only group I've never seen moan about how they are shown has been the Travelers from Gypsy Weddings, who are happy to be shown in their larger than life community.

Surely, surely if you are signing up or even thinking of signing up, you should perhaps watch some of their documentaries first?

Otherwise, its like a jobless, toothless, tracksuit wearing philanderer with 18 kids by 17 women going on Jezza Kyle and then crying into his crack pipe when Kyle does the full irate git on you.

Most of these shows do portray people in a bad light- elsewise, what is the point? It would be boring if Super Nanny went to a family home to find the kids well behaved and the adults using non-bum slap discipline the odd time they do kick off and have a tantrum. Its much more interesting to see kids climbing up walls and swinging from the lightshade stuffing sweets in their gob whilst their Mum hides shaking under the bed, isn't it?

That's why we watch these shows- to make our selves feel virtuous, and to become armchair pundits.

These ads should have "sensible, warm and cosy families need not apply" and "tattoos, piercings and teens pregnant like a conveyor belt? Life a miserable grind of pub visits and chip wrappings? Then we need you!" 

They dress it up as "human interest", but some of these TV executives and researchers are that into lower class bashing they should take a job with the Tories. Or the Daily Mail.

I was once asked if I'd like to appear in a documentary about Mummy Bloggers. I am pleased I thought to myself "hmm, I spend my time on the net for social media boosting purposes, and my kids watch Beebies whilst I do. Do I want to appear on TV for them to make me look like a lazy cow?" and thought hell no.
 I knew, 100% that they would never show the times I spend reading books, helping with drawing, tidying up (sod off Elder, the Vacuum cleans the floor, not you) and cooking from scratch. I knew they'd edit the show to look like I sat from dawn to dusk on the PC, when in fact from 6pm I'm barely online at all.

So, if you should be wondering about going on one of these shows, think. Do you want the nation to sit and condemn you for eating Iceland chips? Or do you want to keep your private life, well, private?

Comment: Hospital Food Sucks!

I am writing this post after watching the Dispatches programme on Channel 4 last night (at last, a fair and well researched programme from them!) about Hospital food.

After spending 10 weeks in Traction, reporter Mark Sparrow started a Food blog, chronicling the awful fayre served up by his NHS hospital. However, he did say he managed to have a few great meals, such as salmon with new potatoes. He was lucky!

 

Now, I can completely sympathise with Mark, and agree wholeheartedly that food in NHS hospitals is appalling beyond belief, food so bad you wouldn't feed your dog, let alone your worst enemy it. I experienced this first hand in 2008.

Due to my waters breaking at 27 weeks when pregnant with Littlest, I was forced to stay at my local ante natal care ward for a week, followed by 5 days on the Maternity ward. I then spent 4 days on SCBU just before Littlest came home 3 and a half months on from having him.

My first introduction to hospital food was dinner, and I was told it was really important to keep eating and eat well, for Littlest's sake. Off I went to the little side room to get something from the large trolley, queueing up with the other women.

What I saw was six large silver catering dishes, filled with violently coloured slop. Yes, that's the only word I can use- slop. I asked the Nurse who was over seeing the food (and making sure we all ate something) what was available, and was told it was Ethnic choice food, and the slop was in fact different forms of lentil curry. So I asked where the non-ethnic choice was, and was pointed to some half mashed half whole boiled potatoes, grey in colour and hardly edible looking (I couldn't stomach the idea of tasting to find out if they tasted as bad as they looked). That was it, potato, nothing with it. She then told me I must eat something, so I took a sandwich, and an apple.

The sandwich, on reflection, seemed like a great idea, yet the next day I realised that these were brought up to the ward at 12pm, and then left out all day, on the side- not refrigerated at all. So when I picked one up at 6pm, it had sat for 6 hours sweating in its plastic tray. No wonder it was stale and curly at the edges.

That meant sandwiches were off the menu after that as a dinner option.

We could, however help ourselves to coffee and tea, but were expected to put some coins in the jar. We also had water jugs, but again, these were left out all day and very rarely refreshed, and when I asked a few times for a re-fill, I would find myself snarled at by the less than friendly staff. Whilst I was sympathetic of them being understaffed, it was August, it was hot and the room was unventilated with no air conditioning.

All week, all that was available was the same "ethnic option". There were quite a few ethnic groups on the ward, however, I spoke to a number of differently raced women whilst there- it passed the time if nothing else, and everyone moaned about the food. Regardless of what we all ate at home, those brave enough to try the lentil concoctions did so once and regretted it after. 

Halfway through my stay, I went to the room, pondering whether to have a pear instead of an apple, and there was excitement from the queue as there was fish for dinner.

Well, yes and no. It was served up as fish in white sauce. What I got was a plate of runny yet lumpy white sauce which had the hint of the sea about it in that it was salty beyond belief (I'm not going to say what I thought it reminded me of as I'm too ladylike. It was white, salty and fishy, you work it out). It had burnt onion in it. 

Fish, however was lacking. Apparently, if I'd been in the first, not the third ward of 4 beds called for dinner, I'd have got some fish. By the time I got there and was served by the bored nurse, there was none left. 

So a plate of white salty slop, with burnt onions, and those ubiquitous grey lumps of mash and spud mixture.

Over the week in ante-natal care, I felt tired and ratty, I was always hungry. I have a good appetite and a good cook at home, I'm used to eating nicely sized, nice tasting food. Its not even posh what we eat, and not expensive, just good, old fashioned grub like Shepherds Pies and stews.

Luckily for me, one of the breakfast trolley ladies on my last day on the ward before I went into labour in the evening asked me whether I'd like toast or cereal for breakfast (the only time we had a choice was between the two at breakfast, and which we were woken up for at 7am), and I asked if I could have both!

She was so lovely, not one of the midwifery staff but an auxiliary, and she gave me three bits of all be it cold toast, and a generous helping of cornflakes- probably the only time when cold toast has tasted so good!

Typically, the one night when a possibly edible meal of fish and chips was served and I was in labour- I could see the food, yet despite calling for help I couldn't move as when I stood up even slightly I felt like my legs didn't work and felt lightheaded too. It took for one of the woman on my ward to go and shout at the desk staff before they came and attended to me- even though I had been telling them since 2pm and it was now 6pm.

Anyhow, back to the food.

After Littlest was born, I was then in the Maternity ward, and hoped the food would improve.

Some hope! 

On the Sunday, I thought I might be able to eat my first proper meal since the week before at home, as we were told it was Roast lunch day- a possibility of which caused me such happiness I could almost have salivated.

Sadly, the promised roast was worse even than the curly sandwich- beef which was 95% gristle and 5% mush, in a small round shape. I suspect it was very cheap sandwich beef, which would account for the shape and the gristle. 1 small spud, not roasted (not even the plague of Aunt Bessie fakery either), it was cold and grey. The gravy was thin and greasy- how they managed that I'll always wonder. Plus a carrot. Not a whole carrot, a slice of. Great.

Luckily, one of my co-patients Mums very sneakily brought in a massive bucket of KFC, although she had to hide it. On one occasion she had brought in "outside food" and had it taken off her and chucked away. We all had to do a Mission Impossible movement round the ward to her curtained bed, keeping an eye out for the staff. My God it was worth it though! Yum!

All in all the food over that close to two week period was so rotten, I lost a stone, and was close to back to my pre-pregnant weight, not bad after a c-section and all the swelling that causes.

Then, when I had to go in to learn how to care for a sick Littlest at home, and manage his oxygen intake, I thought I'd be given a meal. Wrong. 

We were told we had to go to the canteen and buy our food ourselves. That wasn't cheap.

When you factor in the £6 for 24 hours TV, 75p a minute calls, and then close to £20 a day for food, it all adds up.

What has always baffled me was that the canteen food, although quite expensive, was gorgeous, with huge servings available of food ethnic and otherwise, loads of choice and steaming hot. 

So, why was the patients food so awful across the board?

Seriously, I am that confident that the food was so inedible that I think WP hospital should close as a proper hospital and open as a fat camp. Serve the morbidly obese types you see on programmes like The Biggest Loser the food there, they'd lose weight in weeks refusing to eat the stuff they tried to force on me.

I even looked up WP on Netmums- whilst overall the staff get the thumbs up, the food is overwhelmingly slated. Even by Ethnic ladies!

The lack of food choice was introduced when the people behind the food had to factor in that Slough and the surrounding area is a culturally diverse place- hence the chick peas and lentils. 

However, one Asian lady, who spoke very poor English, managed to agree with the rest of us patients, by complaining that even in her country, they offer more choice, and that even at home she would eat the lentil option with a meat or fish dish, and certainly not with grey spuds or congealed rice! And a Polish patient who said she wouldn't expect us all to eat the kinds of food Polish people eat (there are a vast number of Polish immigrants in Berkshire) and despite there being just as many Polish patients they weren't catered for either. But she didn't expect them to be, as it was an English hospital, so surely the food should reflect that too?

Could it be that the food served up, not only satisfied the ethnic lobby who demand, quite rightly, that minority groups be catered for, but also because it was cheap. That's probably, in my view, more the case.If there was such a concern not to insult these minority groups, then why not serve Halal meat, at least that would have been a more edible option than lentil curry, and would have satisfied the cultural needs of a rich and diverse area.

Why also, on the scarce nights when food like the fish in sauce was available did it not stretch to all the women on the ward? Eight beds in and the fish was gone, surely the catering team know how many women are on one ward?

Tonight, local chef and Bray Botherer Heston Blumenthal, is on a mission to create better food at Alder Hey Children's Hospital.

However, without doubt once those TV cameras disappear, the food will return to its usual poor, cheap, and nasty status quo.

Its time that food, which is vital to help us keep our strength up (and get us out the hospital quicker) is overhauled.

I can't see that happening anytime soon.

If you haven't discovered Mark's Blog, Notes From a Hospital Bed  yet, it's well worth adding to your reader.

Comment: Big Fat Gypsy Weddings- Insightful TV or Just Plain Racist?

Hands up who watched Channel 4 at 9pm on Tuesday, for My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding?


Now hands up who laughed, tweeted "jokes" or watched purely because they saw the programme as comedy?


I thought so.


Sadly, I wasn't watching with the same mirth as many.


Elder is an ex-traveller. He lived in a caravan until he was 8 with his Mum. After this they would travel in the summer holidays, meeting up with friends and family, whilst living in a flat the rest of the time so Elder could go to school. These are times he remembers fondly.


In the time when Elder would have been considered a Traveller, he went to countless parties, either wedding, funeral, communion or otherwise- he went to the same Epsom Festival back in this childhood as was featured in the documentary.

Of all these events he went to, whilst Elder readily admits that everyone made an effort with their dress and wore their most expensive clothes and flashiest jewellery, he never saw any weddings as shown in the programme, or OTT communion dresses that Channel 4 has emphasised on the recent episode.


It is sold by Channel 4 as an insightful view of the mystery surrounding the traveller community. I failed to see that shown at all.


The programme was very one sided to the comical view of the Traveller, only presenting a view of the minority who opt for the "bigger is better" ideal. Not all Travellers deem it necessary to wear such huge and heavy dresses, rather they wear your average wedding dress or communion dress. These events are "big", just like anyone elses, and like any parent, the Traveller family spends as much as possible on making those one off events as enjoyable, and memorable as possible.


The section showing the young child who wore the oversized Communion dress was met with tweets of horror, and disgusting comments towards the child and the little boy with her. People questioned her parents ability as responsible adults, and I even saw people expressing the viewpoint that the child should be in care. 


No one commented about how much that little girl smiled at having her dream dress- yes, her dress, not one forced upon her by order of her parents, one she had specifically chosen- and how that child will never forget that day in her life. By comparison,the other children who were there for the same day out looked bored.


Like any parent, this child's parents wanted to make her day special, and what parent can be written about with anything other than praise for doing everything to make their child happy?


With respect, this programme would never be made with the spotlight on any other ethnic minority community, or at least not in the same way.


My Landlord is currently planning (and paying for) his daughter's wedding. He has bought her a house which is being re-decorated to her standards, paid for by her Dad. She has 1100+ guests coming to the wedding, which will go on over a whole weekend. Paid for by her Dad.


Now imagine we had a programme about the excesses of the cost of this wedding- called along the same lines "My Big Fat Indian Wedding". It would never be allowed to poke fun at the Indian, or any other, community in the same way as it would mean journalists and amateur bystanders alike up and down the country shouting Racist before Channel 4 even shouted Cut.


The way the current Gypsy programme is being handled means it may as well be called "My Big Fat Pikey Wedding" instead.


And to refer to the teens (4 of them) as "running in a pack". Sorry, a what?


These teen girls had no make up on, they did not have a bottle of Cider (or worse) in their hands, they were out in daylight, and not one was seen with a cigarette.


To suggest it is unusual for teen girls to hang around together is obviously the view of an uninformed writer who hasn't walked through their local park of an evening, and met with the daunting sight of 30+ mixed gender, drinking, swearing and smoking teens, snogging and worse still. They obviously have never watched (grudgingly) an episode on any weekday of Jeremy Kyle and seen the consequences of non-Traveller teens needing DNA tests to determine which spotty oik a girl has produced an offspring with.


In the traveller community, behaviour is everything- they marry for life, are virgins beforehand and are chaperoned if going out with a member of the opposite sex. They are respectful of their elders, and would never disgrace their family with the kind of behaviour that is ever increasing amongst the non-Traveller teen community.


No matter how they are persecuted, called scum, laughed at and moved on, the Traveller community remains strong, unbreakable.


Now tell me how well you know the neighbours on your street, in your community?


Before we seek to poke fun of things we don't understand, maybe we should act more responsibly and take a look at our own young people and communities first.


And perhaps "edgy" channels like 4 could give a properly rounded, well researched and truly insightful programme, rather than this "mockumentary" they are currently responsible for.




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Image: Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot / FreeDigitalPhotos.net