Saturday, 12 September 2009

The Hardest Post I've Ever Written

I'm not sure how many of you have "added" me on Facebook, but if you had previously you may have worked out after Wednesday that something was pretty wrong.

I am an idiot.

There, I've said it, it's true, 100% I am a complete and utter idiot.

On Tuesday afternoon, my partner of nearly ten years, father of my children, found out about an internet "affair" (if that's the right term for it"), that I have indulge in for a few months with an ex.

He was using my mobile and a text came through from Facebook, which he read.

To say we are over is an understatement. I have apologized so many times but he's not interested and it doesn't matter what excuse I have for any of it, he is, quite rightly, far from interested.

I have not been looking or feeling my best since my son was born just over a year ago. And we have been struggling as a couple.

After 9 years together, we had lost the ability to have a spark. We very rarely go out as a couple, and when the kids go to bed at 7, although most nights Chrissy doesn't nod off until at least 8.30, I am so tired that we often sit in separate rooms using our separate computers.

I think if we are both honest, we both knew we were growing apart, with different interests to each other-I am and always have been a bit of a homebody, whereas Ed likes to go out and dance in a field until daylight.

We had also been having terrible arguments, mainly around the time I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and had had a breakdown of sorts. I have still found coping in general tough.

One such argument I was told that he was bored and didn't fancy me anymore, as I have been putting on a lot of weight. It was due to be it being said in an argument, meant to hurt-lets face it we all do it during a row. But it stuck in my head as i too am not happy with my appearance anymore and have given up.

At the same time, I received a message from my ex, which I found flattering-obviously he hasn't seen me in years, since I was 18, so doesn't know what I look like now. The messages soon got quite personal, but were few and far between.

I had told him I wasn't interested, but in my naive, stupid way I let myself be led on, and for every casual reply I would give, he would send a less than casual message back.

With every month that passed, and as my relationship with Ed became more like the relationship between two flatmates, I found myself replying in the same way.

At no point did we discuss meeting up, it was more that we both said we were in long-term relationships and were bored, we still loved our partners, and didn't want to risk a full on affair meaning we'd lose everything.

And that was that until Tuesday, and the message.

I have tried to change Ed's mind-I don't want to lose him, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone bar my children, and I would gladly take it all back if that were possible. But I can't reverse what mistakes I have made.

At the moment, we are still sharing the house together, but he is determined to find a flat or bedsit and leave me, and take joint custody of the children. I can't stand the idea of him not being here, we have lived together for 8 years, and I am so scared that he'll meet someone else and I'll have to watch him grow used to someone else's quirks. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope without him.


  1. I'm sorry to hear you're having such at tough time. Hopefully you can work things out together. If it's any consolation I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago and my husband and I separated for a while. I won't go into detail here but there was a third person involved. It was very hurtful but we managed to somehow work things out and are very happy again now. I can understand your partner being cross and upset, these things usually happen because there's something wrong with your relationship. I really hope he gives you the time to explain and that you sort things (it can take a while though). I also think that the longer you're with someone the more likely you are to experience these things. Good luck x

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Although you didn't do anything other than correspond with your ex I'm sure your partner is hurt. I really hope you can sort things out. Write to him, get counselling. Sorry, I know everything I'm writing now is crass. Sending you (((HUGS))) and best of luck x

  3. Hi, it's my first visit to your blog and a very hard post for me to read 'cos I went thru' something similar. I can only wish you the best of luck and hope that things will improve for you. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts and am going to follow you to see how you go.

    I'm new to blogging so please come visit. I'm hoping you'll find something at my blog that will put a smile on your face if only for a brief moment.

    Good luck!

    Gloria from

  4. You responded to some flattering comments which is easily done when you're not feeling at your best. Without trying to sound condescending, you need to talk to your partner and try and work out where things went wrong. Communication is key. My husband and I got to a point when we were doing everything separately. It's so easy to fall into bad habits. I really hope you get things back on track. Sending you lots of hugs and luck xxx


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