The Lazy Girl's Guide to Life: honest

I'm not sure how many of you have "added" me on Facebook, but if you had previously you may have worked out after Wednesday that something was pretty wrong.

I am an idiot.

There, I've said it, it's true, 100% I am a complete and utter idiot.

On Tuesday afternoon, my partner of nearly ten years, father of my children, found out about an internet "affair" (if that's the right term for it"), that I have indulge in for a few months with an ex.

He was using my mobile and a text came through from Facebook, which he read.

To say we are over is an understatement. I have apologized so many times but he's not interested and it doesn't matter what excuse I have for any of it, he is, quite rightly, far from interested.

I have not been looking or feeling my best since my son was born just over a year ago. And we have been struggling as a couple.

After 9 years together, we had lost the ability to have a spark. We very rarely go out as a couple, and when the kids go to bed at 7, although most nights Chrissy doesn't nod off until at least 8.30, I am so tired that we often sit in separate rooms using our separate computers.

I think if we are both honest, we both knew we were growing apart, with different interests to each other-I am and always have been a bit of a homebody, whereas Ed likes to go out and dance in a field until daylight.

We had also been having terrible arguments, mainly around the time I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and had had a breakdown of sorts. I have still found coping in general tough.

One such argument I was told that he was bored and didn't fancy me anymore, as I have been putting on a lot of weight. It was due to be it being said in an argument, meant to hurt-lets face it we all do it during a row. But it stuck in my head as i too am not happy with my appearance anymore and have given up.

At the same time, I received a message from my ex, which I found flattering-obviously he hasn't seen me in years, since I was 18, so doesn't know what I look like now. The messages soon got quite personal, but were few and far between.

I had told him I wasn't interested, but in my naive, stupid way I let myself be led on, and for every casual reply I would give, he would send a less than casual message back.

With every month that passed, and as my relationship with Ed became more like the relationship between two flatmates, I found myself replying in the same way.

At no point did we discuss meeting up, it was more that we both said we were in long-term relationships and were bored, we still loved our partners, and didn't want to risk a full on affair meaning we'd lose everything.

And that was that until Tuesday, and the message.

I have tried to change Ed's mind-I don't want to lose him, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone bar my children, and I would gladly take it all back if that were possible. But I can't reverse what mistakes I have made.

At the moment, we are still sharing the house together, but he is determined to find a flat or bedsit and leave me, and take joint custody of the children. I can't stand the idea of him not being here, we have lived together for 8 years, and I am so scared that he'll meet someone else and I'll have to watch him grow used to someone else's quirks. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope without him.

OK, so Sandy Calico (check out her blog at baby baby, its very good), has tagged me in her blog to answer from very scary questions about little old me! It was originally started by Tara from the blog Sticky Fingers, who wants to see just how far it goes round.
So, pull up a chair, no talking at the back, and no giggling either! Only joking, pee your pants with mirth if you like

1. Who is the hottest movie star?
Johnny Depp. Yum, or "Proper Miaow" as my good schooly chum Lea says.

I have to have a Brit too, and unfortunately Jude Law is old and balding nowadays (such a shame), so I shall choose-

Danny Dyer, my bit of Brit-shaped rough. My friend from school Sophie is preggers at the mo and rather than getting the usual food related cravings, she has instead developed one for Mr Dyer, and hence posts daily pics of him on Facebook for our collective perv pleasure. Mr D has a very similar accents as they're both Sarf Landoners (that was my crap take on Cockney accents sorry). Also he's not a namby wet bloke-you just know he'd get you lagered and...OK I shall stop now.

Can I be cheeky and have a TV one too, he's bound to be in a film soon anyway-
Ed Westwick from Gossip Girl (yes I know I'm not 13, but I love this show) its the eyes, I'm always a sucker for eyes. He could get moody with me anytime....

2. Apart from your house and your car, what's the most expensive item you've ever bought?

Errr I'm such a cheapskate that that's really hard!

I s'pose the dearest thing I've ever bought is a 1969 VW Beetle that I bought for Mr D, it cost me £200 pounds, plus loads more for parts. I miss my poor Betsy. But now we have a Camper instead.

Apart from car, as I dont own a house, probably Mr D's claddagh ring I had specially made for him. He's very in touch with his Irish roots, and so loves this symbol, but unfortunately it has been rather high-jacked by the "Chav", so finding a silver one that he liked was hard. I had this one made specially for him for Christmas about 4 years ago now, I had one as well, but when I was pregnant with Littlest I took it off as my fingers swelled and it didn't fit. I then lost it! I need to replace it. We cant be assed to get married so its like a symbol of us.

Either that or it was a record he was after at some point.

3. What's your most treasured memory?

Different ones, as I can't pick one.

The day I left home (28th September 1999), never have I felt a bigger weight leave my shoulders.

Meeting Mr D and realising the guy I was about to marry would get over me leaving him, as in the long run I would have walked out anyway.

All the kids being born, first smiles etc (goes without saying).

One from BC (before children) is probably trolley racing down Chatham (in Kent) Hill, at 3am, very drunk (obviously). Making it all the way down in one piece but then falling over my own feet (in 7inch wedge heels and a Morticia dress as I was a goth at the time) and falling out the trolley, cracking my tooth.

4. What was the best gift you ever received as a child?

A bike, it was a red and blue scooter, with a yellow foot bit, that I got given by my Nan and Grandad. I loved that thing.

5. What's the biggest mistake you've made?

Thinking that everythings my fault. Stems from slightly dodgy childhood (I wont bore you).

Nearly marrying someone purely because I liked his family, even though he was horrendous, and I hated his guts.

6. 4 words to describe yourself.

Chaotic, gullible, uptight, manic

7. What was your highlight or lowlight of 2008?

Finding out I was going to have Edward after being told I couldn't have anymore

Edward being born 3 months early and nearly losing him, made me have a bit of a breakdown, but I'm good now. Horrid having to sit there everyday never knowing for sure how he'd be.

8. Favourite film?

Grease or Clueless (I apologise! Totally cheesy!)

9. Tell me one thing I don't know about you.

I have a tattoo? Does that count?
Or I used to have pink and orange hair.
Before I met Mr D I was quite a goth, or alternative dresser (in fact I went round for a whole year not wearing shoes, so mich so that an American couple offered to buy me shoes as they thought I was an urchin! I was wearing Vivienne Westwood at the time). I decided to dye my hair bright pink, more than anything to annoy my Mum. So my ex dyed it blonde first, and only hlaf my head came out blonde. The roots to halfway down, then a gap, then the rest blonde. So we dyed it pink anyway, and it was pink, orange, pink. Thats how it was when I met Mr D-I also wore a fake lip ring, and had my make-up like Amy Winehouse with the mad eye liner. Teehee.

10. If you were a comic book/strip or cartoon character, who would you be?

Hmm, probably Marge Simpson, cos I do the same Grr noise as her! And my family are nuts too.

Ok I'm going to tag peeps now!