To start with, I just want to send a massive thanks to all of you who left me some very lovely and very wise comments on my last blog. I was quite shocked that there was no trolls amongst them telling me on my other half's behalf what a dreadful tart I was, so again thank you. And also special mention to WADS (Wives and Daughters), a newer blog on the block, but who has passed on a very nice award that I have to say did perk me up a bit.
Well, to update.
Ed went down to Hastings, with the intention of staying, last Tuesday. He had only been back a day after spending the weekend with our old friends down in Kent, who gave me quiet updates that he was fine.
By Wednesday afternoon, he had returned from Hastings, saying he had missed the children dreadfully and couldn't stand being apart from them.
We have talked, but its hard. Most of the time it starts to go into an argument, so we stop, I don't think that either of us wants to upset the children anymore than we have to. Or it gets to upsetting for both of us.
He says the thing that has hurt him the most is not the messages, or the fact he feels like everyone knew but him and thought him a fool, was that he trusted me, and I let him down.
Ed doesn't have trust in a lot of people, and our relationship is the longest he has ever had (despite him being 31 when we met when I was 18). He says it is not just that but he felt we were a family, and now he feels I have destroyed that, and have let the children down too by being selfish.
I have begged and pleaded, and cried until I feel sick. I have then remained quite and let him have his space. But nothing works.
I am coming to terms with the idea of being single. Not being in a couple will be the hardest and possibly weirdest thing for me-all my adult life I have been with Ed in this relationship.
The hardest thing for me is that I didn't just say how unhappy I was in our relationship. Ed says he knew I was miserable, that he tried to make me happy by letting me buy clothes and go out with friends over the weekend. The most hurtful thing is that he told me he would dread me getting up some mornings as he knew I'd be in a foul mood again. I think I was aware of some of thisa, but did'nt attribute it to me, just the problems and stresses I felt.
So now the hard part starts.
Neither of us wants to lose our home-its taken us years to rent a home we like in an area we like and with a human landlord. We also don't want to uproot the children.
The solution being mulled over is that we rent a flat separately, and have half each-three days with the children, three days apart from them in the flat, then a day together, and birthdays and Christmases shared. I don't know how I feel about it.
Our Health Visitor Grace has suggested Relate, but Ed doesn't see the point as he feels he'd never trust me again- he even accused me of flirting with a friend of his this weekend, which was laughable, and I've caught him looking through my mobile and Facebook (which I haven't used since), but I guess the green eyed monster has settled in and that's my own fault.
I really wish things would calm down and he would change his mind, but I really don't see it.
Meanwhile, we're having to act like kids TV presenters all smiles and happy happy happy in front of the children. They seem thankfully unaware of anything going wrong-Chrissy even managed to use her potty this evening with no fuss at all, and was duly given a Milky Bar as reward.
Well, will keep you informed.
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Monday, 21 September 2009
Saturday, 12 September 2009
The Hardest Post I've Ever Written
I'm not sure how many of you have "added" me on Facebook, but if you had previously you may have worked out after Wednesday that something was pretty wrong.
I am an idiot.
There, I've said it, it's true, 100% I am a complete and utter idiot.
On Tuesday afternoon, my partner of nearly ten years, father of my children, found out about an internet "affair" (if that's the right term for it"), that I have indulge in for a few months with an ex.
He was using my mobile and a text came through from Facebook, which he read.
To say we are over is an understatement. I have apologized so many times but he's not interested and it doesn't matter what excuse I have for any of it, he is, quite rightly, far from interested.
I have not been looking or feeling my best since my son was born just over a year ago. And we have been struggling as a couple.
After 9 years together, we had lost the ability to have a spark. We very rarely go out as a couple, and when the kids go to bed at 7, although most nights Chrissy doesn't nod off until at least 8.30, I am so tired that we often sit in separate rooms using our separate computers.
I think if we are both honest, we both knew we were growing apart, with different interests to each other-I am and always have been a bit of a homebody, whereas Ed likes to go out and dance in a field until daylight.
We had also been having terrible arguments, mainly around the time I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and had had a breakdown of sorts. I have still found coping in general tough.
One such argument I was told that he was bored and didn't fancy me anymore, as I have been putting on a lot of weight. It was due to be it being said in an argument, meant to hurt-lets face it we all do it during a row. But it stuck in my head as i too am not happy with my appearance anymore and have given up.
At the same time, I received a message from my ex, which I found flattering-obviously he hasn't seen me in years, since I was 18, so doesn't know what I look like now. The messages soon got quite personal, but were few and far between.
I had told him I wasn't interested, but in my naive, stupid way I let myself be led on, and for every casual reply I would give, he would send a less than casual message back.
With every month that passed, and as my relationship with Ed became more like the relationship between two flatmates, I found myself replying in the same way.
At no point did we discuss meeting up, it was more that we both said we were in long-term relationships and were bored, we still loved our partners, and didn't want to risk a full on affair meaning we'd lose everything.
And that was that until Tuesday, and the message.
I have tried to change Ed's mind-I don't want to lose him, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone bar my children, and I would gladly take it all back if that were possible. But I can't reverse what mistakes I have made.
At the moment, we are still sharing the house together, but he is determined to find a flat or bedsit and leave me, and take joint custody of the children. I can't stand the idea of him not being here, we have lived together for 8 years, and I am so scared that he'll meet someone else and I'll have to watch him grow used to someone else's quirks. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope without him.
I am an idiot.
There, I've said it, it's true, 100% I am a complete and utter idiot.
On Tuesday afternoon, my partner of nearly ten years, father of my children, found out about an internet "affair" (if that's the right term for it"), that I have indulge in for a few months with an ex.
He was using my mobile and a text came through from Facebook, which he read.
To say we are over is an understatement. I have apologized so many times but he's not interested and it doesn't matter what excuse I have for any of it, he is, quite rightly, far from interested.
I have not been looking or feeling my best since my son was born just over a year ago. And we have been struggling as a couple.
After 9 years together, we had lost the ability to have a spark. We very rarely go out as a couple, and when the kids go to bed at 7, although most nights Chrissy doesn't nod off until at least 8.30, I am so tired that we often sit in separate rooms using our separate computers.
I think if we are both honest, we both knew we were growing apart, with different interests to each other-I am and always have been a bit of a homebody, whereas Ed likes to go out and dance in a field until daylight.
We had also been having terrible arguments, mainly around the time I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar and had had a breakdown of sorts. I have still found coping in general tough.
One such argument I was told that he was bored and didn't fancy me anymore, as I have been putting on a lot of weight. It was due to be it being said in an argument, meant to hurt-lets face it we all do it during a row. But it stuck in my head as i too am not happy with my appearance anymore and have given up.
At the same time, I received a message from my ex, which I found flattering-obviously he hasn't seen me in years, since I was 18, so doesn't know what I look like now. The messages soon got quite personal, but were few and far between.
I had told him I wasn't interested, but in my naive, stupid way I let myself be led on, and for every casual reply I would give, he would send a less than casual message back.
With every month that passed, and as my relationship with Ed became more like the relationship between two flatmates, I found myself replying in the same way.
At no point did we discuss meeting up, it was more that we both said we were in long-term relationships and were bored, we still loved our partners, and didn't want to risk a full on affair meaning we'd lose everything.
And that was that until Tuesday, and the message.
I have tried to change Ed's mind-I don't want to lose him, I love him more than I've ever loved anyone bar my children, and I would gladly take it all back if that were possible. But I can't reverse what mistakes I have made.
At the moment, we are still sharing the house together, but he is determined to find a flat or bedsit and leave me, and take joint custody of the children. I can't stand the idea of him not being here, we have lived together for 8 years, and I am so scared that he'll meet someone else and I'll have to watch him grow used to someone else's quirks. I am so scared that I won't be able to cope without him.
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