Thursday 4 March 2010

Dear So and So- Spam Related Issues

Dear Spammers


I do not want to "Lengthen my (non-existent) manhood", I do not wish to purchase your dodgy "meds" (the likes of which are the ones which the papers say killed poor old Michael Jackson), I do not want to join your dating site and I certainly do not believe that I have won many millions of dollars/yen/African coinage.

I have 3 email addresses so I do not want to take 3 hours getting rid of all the spam. Enough already.


Dear Littler
Stop screaming at the top of your lungs at 2am. It is dark, thus it is night time, the time when you are meant to be asleep. More importantly, I am meant to be asleep.  I need some sleep, as well as peace from you and your daft sister.

Love oo

Dear Mini

Use your damn potty already.
Nuff said

Love oo too

Dear Elder

I am v pleased you have finally set Live and Direct up. Now can you bog off and stop coming in and checking the sound quality on my PC. You are causing me severe writers block by interrupting me. I am also pleased that some of the stupid amounts of stereo equipment and speakers have gone/are going, so ta for making more space.
However, the radio is boring before its even started. And yes, I am nicking some air time!

Cheers Old Git.

PS what do you want for your birthday? Totally stuck

Dear Media World

No one cares anymore about John Terry, Ashley Cole (apart from the comedy pants, now they are dull, limp and lifeless, eh Cheryl?) or any other stuff to do with celebs who, frankly are non-celebs (take note Price, Reid and Andre).

There are real life things going on, how about cover those for a change? Madeira and Chile and the continuing hardship in Haiti might be more appropriate.
And as an aside to the Daily Mail, sack Jan Moir, immediately. She is not a journalist, less a respected Investigator, she is a propaganda merchant , and more suited to the Sport. Not a supposedly intelligent rag like yourself.

Disgusted and frankly bored of Maidenhead

Dear Nephew
Stop leaving your pants in my hallway. I am not your Mother, I will not pick them up, in fact I will wait until Saturday when your actual  mother is visiting us, and she can deal with them. And you.

Next I will photograph them in all their glory, and tag your name in the pic (thus informing all your friends) on Facebook.

Consider this your final warning

Dear everyone
You know, just because 



  1. I think I will have to copy your letter to the littler, hope you don't mind? He's a bit confused with night and day at the moment!

    Hope everyone gets their letters and does what they're meant to do!


  2. Excellent post, so funny. Love the one about screaming lungs at 2am. Soooo glad I've been through it and come out the other end!

    CJ xx


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