Dear So and So...It's Been a While

I know it's Wednesday and traditionally one is meant to partake of Dear So and So notes on a Friday, but well, I need to write some.

Dear Mini.

Sweetheart, do you realise the untold joy I had when I found out that I was to get my very own living dolly to dress up to make up for not playing with dolls as a kid have you? I imagined shopping trips, nail bar visits, and girl related laughs at films like Clueless and the like from my youth. 

It has started so well. I like watching you watching me when I am brushing my hair, or putting on my make up, taking notes from future reference. I like that we have girly days over to Slough on the train, and trips to the coffee shop. I quite enjoyed our help when I was dying my hair (and no, you still can't nick the leftovers, no matter how cute you are or how many "but Perrie from Little Mix has it" excuses you give me).

I also love your individuality when it comes to having an opinion on what you wear, whilst not being bratty about it. Or not often anyway.

Until today. When I asked my Mini Fashionista, you who usually offers positivity on whatever I wear, even my "childish" moustache Nerd pyjamas, about a trouser suit I am eBay stalking for a posh event I'm off to. 

And you turned around and told me how you "utterly and absolutely actually hate that and don't think you should ever wear it, ever". 

You know, whilst I love your honesty, I would prefer it had you just said, "you know what Mummy, perhaps not, perhaps that dress you had for Aunties 50th but didn't wear cos you bought that other one that ended up nearly flashing your boobs all evening". But no. You just told me exactly what you think in a manner that joan Rivers would have saluted you for.

I do love you though sweetheart. 

Love Mummy, off to eat Jaffa Cakes to console myself 

Dear Littlest

Oh you are a one you.

From your ability to steadfastly refuse to read in front of your teacher, despite being able to do so at home, to your superhuman strength of knowing exactly what network is on what channel and what number it happens to be, you really do make me laugh.

And silently cry when you act like a bugger down to your meds. But thats cool

But please, my love, the new show you love. Its Phineas and Ferb.

Not, as you keep calling it, despite me telling you constantly, Penis and Ferb.

Why would a TV network call a programme after a willy? 

By the way, while you're reading (or Mini is if you are refusing to), it was very cute how afraid you were of the storm. I've never seen you run in my bed quite like that and hide under my armpit before. Was sweet.

Love you too Baby

Mummy.

Dear Elder

I have had that flu too. I still didn't go to bed though.

Man flu.

Get better soon though.

Love me

Dear Storm

You suck. I couldn't get to London.

Bog off and annoy someone else next time

Cheers

What are your notes this week? Let me know below :) 

Dear So and So- The Tearing Hair Out Edition

Its Friday, it's very nearly the least scariest holiday of them all, Halloween, and its also reaching the end of Half Term, so here's a few well timed Dear So and So letters for you all to enjoy.

Dear So and So- Tech Advanced Bratlings, DVD Annoyance and Strange Stats

Its been one of those weeks. You know the sort- nothing seems to go right, everything you plan out goes ass upwards. One of those. Hence here is my sleep deprived Dear So and So post.


Dear Bratlings


Seriously, if school doesn't start next Tuesday, I'm moving out. You have both found new ways of causing me annoyance. Like being far more tech-advanced than me. Stop using the DVD player. It took me months to work it out. It is not there to please you, nor is it there to cause turf wars seldom seen caused in our house due to anything other than CBeebies/Tiny Pop. 
As for the birthday present Daddy bought you, Littlest. Batteries are ingenious as they can be bloody removed.

Love you regardless
Mummy xxx


Dear Elder


Seriously-WTF? Do you remember those halcyon days before children, when, on hearing it was one of our God children/mates offspring's birthday, we'd head into town, and laughing at our smug evil plan we'd buy them the most noisy, irritating toy we could find? Yeah, do you remember we used to chuckle at how we, being sans children, didn't have to listen to the racket this inappropriate and frankly evil toy would produce?  


Why then did you go out to buy a R/C Car for Littlest, and come back with a bloody PIANO? And not just any piano, oh no, you excelled even the most evil noisy toys of days gone by, by buying a piano that is electric, with built in DRUM MACHINES and a bloody MICROPHONE. 


This monstrosity is so loud, that after an hour of it, I had a migraine. Its not funny. The excuse "that's how I roll" does not cut it.


To then go out and buy Mini a magazine with a slide whistle on? That's just cruel.

That's the last time I let you out to buy toys. And the Knight costume- I presume you intended the above as a joke and will never again whilst sober dress in your child's costume? Its very wrong.


Love 
Her Indoors (now slightly deaf)










Dear Sleep


Please come back to me. Yes, I know my brain is working overtime over processing everything that we have going on. Yes I know I am so worried to the point of neurosis over Littlest. But if you could see your way clear to letting me sleep for a few hours, that'd be great.


Cheers
The lady practically main lining coffee


Dear Wiggles


Grr. Pee off back to Oz and take your JLS inspired day-glo jumpers and Valium lite smiles with you. Not to mention your 8GB of songs on my hard drive.


Ta very muchly
The Bratlings Mummy


Dear Weird Stat people who find me by accident if Google Mis-adventure


You will not find "Hot bored chavs" (chavs, how very dare you). You will not find "Sexy Posh Mummies gagging for it" (Gagging for sleep, I presume). You will not find "Traveller birds in their skimpy knickers, virgins in caravans", and likewise, nor will you find "Slightly thick girls" (grrr). Please go take your naughty and frankly offensive ways of finding me and my blog elsewhere. I hear that Barenaked Mummy is quite used to you deviants.


Now feck off
20SM


Everyone else, hope you are enjoying this lovely sunshine!

Dear So and So: School, Ghost Towns and Doctors

Here are this weeks little notes of appreciation or otherwise. Enjoy!

Dear So and So: Lump, Weddings and Mumsnet Nutjobs

Before you shout "oi, woman, you've got your days wrong again you thick so and so, tis Thursday, not Friday", I shall say, in my defense that I am a) crap at lining up posts to auto-post, and b) at my sister in laws wedding tomorrow. So bog off.


Only kidding, here's my Dear So and So's for this last week in July.


Dear Weather


Sort it out! Where oh where is the sun? And, if he can (because the sun is bound to be male as he's such a cantankerousness thing) could he see fit to be shining in Ascot tomorrow, it is Nursey sister in laws wedding tomorrow and if it rains my hair will turn to frizz rather than carefully constructed lush curliness.


Ta


Dear Littlest


No, your imaginary friend Lump did not mess up your bedroom, draw on your face with marker pen or spill food on the floor. Nor was it Lumps teeth which bit my kneecap yesterday. While we are discussing Lump, why can you not have a friend with a nice name? 


Love you Scruff
Mummy


Dear Lump


It better not be you doing those naughty things.


Hmmm
Littlest's Mummy


Dear Mini


Leave my bathroom cupboard alone missus. Its a bloomin' good job I went in the upstairs bathroom, and not your Uncle or cousin, elsewise I think they may have been embarrassed by the sight of my Sanitary Towels stuck artistically to the wall. You hooligan.


Love you


Mummy


Dear Mumsnet Trolls


You're mental. And for people trying to shed the nasty image, you are failing abysmally. 
Cheers for knocking the stats on my "sh*t, Boll**ks, decidedly meh, poor constructed and badly spelt" blog up.


Arseholes.


20somethingmumuk, better known than any of you bi-ayt-ches. 


Dear Non-Mumsnet Blog Network Members


Seriously, don't join it. Its littered with the kind of trolls seldom seen since 1991 and twice as ugly. 
Its kind of like Royston Vassey. And its tag should be- "you don't have to be a brainless knob with no life to join here, but it helps".


Badges declaring "Mumsnet Throws Scorn on my Blog" coming soon.


You have been warned
20SM


Dear Nursey Sister-in-law, and Hubby to be


Have a great one. No S your fringe is fine. And thanks for picking my daughter as a bridesmaid.


Cannot wait for tomorrow.


Lovely readers


You know who you are- have a great weekend and if Elder doesn't nick my phone and ban me from Twitter or G+ I shall give you the odd pic/update.


Mwah for now
Me

Dear So and So: Mini WTF?

Dear Mini

LEAVE MY BLOODY MAKE UP BOX ALONE!
You are only just nearing 4, not 14, so leave it out. If I have to make one more trip to Superdrug, I'll cut your Beebies and Sweeties allowance off.
You have been warned
Thank you
Love
Mummy x

Dear So and So Good Old Daily Fail

Its Friday! Its Dear So and So time!


Dear Birthday


Yes, you were slightly neglected yesterday. Having you fall on a Thursday, the most crappest day of the week, was unfortunate. But come Saturday, we'll pretend its my birthday again and really celebrate. Minus the kids obviously.


Here's to the last year of my Twenties
C


Dear Mini


Don't let the mean kid at playschool spoil it for you. Its hard being your age, not understanding that if someone is nasty to you its fine to shout at them and stand up for yourself. Please don't let it ruin your happiness, when you're not at playschool, he wont come to our house, or your Aunts house, I promise. It makes me mad for you being so sad all the time. Just remember that this boy is just jealous at how gorgeous and well liked and confident you are. 


Love you
Mummy


Dear Littlest


I am glad you have finally decided to sleep through, frankly if you hadn't Mummy would probably have collapsed from lack of sleep. Now can you please use the potty? 


Love you baby
Mummy


Dear Elder


The excuse "I can't hear the kids so why should I get up" is not good enough, you git. Sort it out or else.


Cheers
Claire


Dear Daily Fail


Lol (She says whilst typing on the computer and half watching the kids)


Regards
Ms C (Unmarried Mother of 2, not yet a home owner) Maidenhead


Dear Blog World


Debate. Look it up. You can't wax lyrical about your love of debate, then shout people down because you don't like them. Seriously, I nearly wet myself with mirth at that yesterday, even more so than the Daily Fail article. 
Also look up double standards whilst you're there. 


PMSL


20SM




Dear Blog


WTF am I going to call you next year when I turn 30? I may have to lie about my age. It works for Joan Rivers....


29 Year Old Mum


Dear Readers


You rawk (as always) 


20SM 

Dear So and So...

Here's a round of letters to the people who I either can't get through to (ie the Bratlings) or should I try to I may be arrested.


Dear Mini


Keep mimicking the fake cry of Baby Annabell, and I'll lock her in the toy cupboard permanently. Why can't you just have a doll which looks cute yet says and does nothing? 


I love you lots and lots 

Mummy


Dear Littlest


Stop slapping your sister, elsewise get used to her kicking you back and me plonking you both in your rooms for time outs.


Thanks baby boy


Mummy
Ps stop calling me Claire. Its Mummy.


Dear Kate Middleton


Oh sweetheart, I feel for you.


You've been Waitie Katie for 8 long years, and in that time you've been photographed in nice normal clobber, and William has....gone nearly bald. I know you're going to have the dress, and the Cathedral and thousands of people lining the Streets waving flags, but sweetie, the honeymoon will end and then you have a life of living up to Diana to deal with. Yes, she was brill was our own Lady Di, but now she's almost held aloft as a saint. We all know she wasn't but, hell, she married that jug eared awkward fellow, so she deserves a bit of respect. However, unless you end all world wars, find an end to hunger and quite possibly discover the hiding place of Bin Laden with only a make up mirror and your nail file, single handedly, you'll always be compared to his Mum. 


So, when the Sun does a Fergie on you, and decides you're just not quite Diana, chin up, polish your smile, and remember- whilst he goes further bald, you'll get loads of free clothes! Can't be bad really!


With much respect, hoping you give your cast offs to Windsor Oxfam for me to snaffle up....


Ms C, Maidenhead


Dear Christmas


Yawn. Can we have New Years already?


Bah humbug



Dear Wardrobes


Yes, I know you were quite haphazardly manoeuvred across the bedroom by Elder, and yes, you have lots of Christmas presents on the top too, but please, don't sway quite so scarily every morning. The doors not shutting together but rather with the corner of one jutting up quite so much is enough thanks.


Will buy you some glue soon.


Claire, the lady with the shoes.


Dear Elder


FIX MY BLOODY LIVING ROOM NOW, LAZY GIT.


Cheers sweetie x


Her indoors

Dear So and So: Mini...Nooooo!

Here we go for another round of Dear So and So letters.

Dear Mini

Baby, I love you. I love how you're growing up and I'm able to have a passable conversation with you. Its lovely that you are showing little signs of a personality, of what music you like and dislike, of clothes and books and toys.

But, sweetie, you can be a bit Bull in a China Shop sometimes. If Littlest is crying, and you're giving him a cuddle, making him scream and turn red, then that's his way of saying that he really isn't feeling the hug. Or the lying on top of him. Or the patting his head and repeatedly saying "there there Ed, you 'right?"

And no, you're TV is not "my very own TV". It belongs to me and Daddy, and screaming like a nutcase will not help when you have already been naughty and had it turned off. I would like to remind you that you're 3, and I didn't own a TV until I was 19. Not everything in the house is yours. Sorry.

Love you loads girlie

Mummy xxx

Dear Post Man

Erm, yeah, not sure how much of this you'll actually get. But when you knock on my door at 8am with a parcel, please don't just throw it at me, then tap on your signature pad, before grunting and going to your van.

How about a hello or good morning? Even just something resembling actual words?

No? Ok then.

Regards

Ms Curran, in her pajamas, of Clare Road

Dear Skip Owner

I FRICKIN' LOVE YOU!

Not only did you take my awful old Ikea computer desk, but you have a skip full of old furniture, which to you is "old tat" but to me is amazingly cool. Its not even shabby chic as the previous owners obviously looked after it. I have wanted a bedroom screen for at least 15 years, but have always found them really expensive, so you letting me have all the old "nasty heavy wood" furniture well, I could kiss you, frankly. I'm now off for the wooden table, shelves, bookcase (definite antique) and the lamp that is without doubt from the sixties and is in the shape of a woman in black metal. Even if it doesn't work I'm going to attach it to my bedroom wall.

Thank you so much!!!!!

Mad woman from up the road who loves dusty old furniture. 

Dear Elder

You are hereby banned from purchasing anymore vinyl until which time that you have made shelving to hold the load you have already. They take up half the dining room floor. You have more vinyl than Mike Reid and Fatboy Slim put together (probably). And no, my Barbara Streisand are not shite, she's amazing.

You have been warned

Her Indoors

Dear MADS people

I'm so excited to be coming for the MADS awards with you all, it's going to be great! Race you to the dancefloor when they play Superman (that's what they always played at Butlins when I was a kid).

20SomethingMum

Dear So and So.... Christmas In July

Morning all, hope you're having a great weekend. I haven't posted a Dear So and So for a while, so here's one for you all. 

Dear New Neighbours at 39

Erm, I get it, right. I "did" the shared house thing in 1999-2000, and I'll admit, it was a crazy time of impromptu late nights and giddy drinking sessions. In fact as the kitchen was painted bright yellow it was often said that you needed sunglasses in the morning to walk through after a bit of a session. Girl friends would come over due to the amount of Flat Mate Jon's friends who would be in the kitchen in boxers purely for a good perv.

But seriously- we would not have been so ignorant as to have a party in the garden that starts at 9.30pm, with loud (shite) music and shouting, knowing full well that the houses on either side contain young children. We also turned our noise right down and chilled at 11pm. Not once did anyone ever complain about us to our Landlord. 

Warning: Wake my babies up again and my landlord will hear about it- his bro is your landlord, get me?

Thanks, Irate Mummy with no sleep.

Dear Cutest Blog on the Block

PLEASE do not have a big sign on my blog saying my back ground will be deleted. I just about know how to turn a PC on, let alone have to re-do my whole site. Whenever I have uttered about changing my site, I've had loud "NOOOs!". Please do not do that again.

Thanks

Blogger of 20SM

Dear Disney and Wilkinsons

Thanks for letting me have a sneaky peek of Christmas stuff.

But July? Seriously? It was hot outside, and I also predict that I will be skint again at Christmas as I saw loads of stuff for the brats. Bugger.

Oh but as an aside, to the lady who called me a Journalist- mwah I love you x

Respectfully

Claire

Dear Man on Train

Yeah, thanks for making me think my train was about to be blown up. Really great.

DO NOT wait until a train is racing out of Paddington, after I've had delayed tubes and want to get home before the brats go to bed,  to stand up (in a big puffa coat) and begin waffling on about how we are all lost and seeking salvation, and must all go to God. People literally ran through the carriage with fear. So not good.

I believe in freedom of speech and that for some religion is great, but please not on a packed commuter train in a big coat.

Off you run to church where they like that kind of devoution

Harrassed commuter.

Dear Blog Readers

Sorry in advance if I'm a bit quiet over the next few weeks. We're off to Camp Bestival next weekend and I will tweet whilst my battery is alive.

But I am also helping my friend Carrie Ann set up a very special site for Victims of Serious crime. You see, Carrie is very brave and even though she was viciously and sexually attacked by three men, she has waived her anonymity so she can bring the lack of good support out in the open and raise funds and awareness to help others. She is frankly amazing. So, yes, blog may be a little quietish depending on the site and launching it. It's called SOS Speak Out Support by the way.

Thanks in advance x

Dear Dorset

Camp Bestival here we come-yay

Love Claire who is doing a little excited dance in her chair

Dear So and So- Spam Related Issues

Dear Spammers

I AM NOT A BLOODY MAN!!!!!!

I do not want to "Lengthen my (non-existent) manhood", I do not wish to purchase your dodgy "meds" (the likes of which are the ones which the papers say killed poor old Michael Jackson), I do not want to join your dating site and I certainly do not believe that I have won many millions of dollars/yen/African coinage.

I have 3 email addresses so I do not want to take 3 hours getting rid of all the spam. Enough already.

Thanks!

****

Dear Littler

Stop screaming at the top of your lungs at 2am. It is dark, thus it is night time, the time when you are meant to be asleep. More importantly, I am meant to be asleep.  I need some sleep, as well as peace from you and your daft sister.

Love oo

****

Dear Mini

Use your damn potty already.

Nuff said

Love oo too

****

Dear Elder

I am v pleased you have finally set Live and Direct up. Now can you bog off and stop coming in and checking the sound quality on my PC. You are causing me severe writers block by interrupting me. I am also pleased that some of the stupid amounts of stereo equipment and speakers have gone/are going, so ta for making more space.

However, the radio is boring before its even started. And yes, I am nicking some air time!

Cheers Old Git.

PS what do you want for your birthday? Totally stuck

****

Dear Media World

No one cares anymore about John Terry, Ashley Cole (apart from the comedy pants, now they are dull, limp and lifeless, eh Cheryl?) or any other stuff to do with celebs who, frankly are non-celebs (take note Price, Reid and Andre).

There are real life things going on, how about cover those for a change? Madeira and Chile and the continuing hardship in Haiti might be more appropriate.

And as an aside to the Daily Mail, sack Jan Moir, immediately. She is not a journalist, less a respected Investigator, she is a propaganda merchant , and more suited to the Sport. Not a supposedly intelligent rag like yourself.

Disgusted and frankly bored of Maidenhead

Dear Nephew

Stop leaving your pants in my hallway. I am not your Mother, I will not pick them up, in fact I will wait until Saturday when your actual  mother is visiting us, and she can deal with them. And you.

Next I will photograph them in all their glory, and tag your name in the pic (thus informing all your friends) on Facebook.

Consider this your final warning

PICK EM UP!!!!!

Dear everyone

Mwah

You know, just because 

xxx20SMxxx

Dear So and So- Why I will never go on Materchef

Dear Master Chef men.

I don't like you very much, you cause me to cause myself injury that I elsewise would not have caused myself if I hadn't watched your programme last night.

I do admit I didn't like John anyway because he got Elder's lovely friend Leon sacked, but now I have got stupidly adventurous as I felt I was under achieving in the kitchen.

There I was, making my usual Chicken Hoi Sin and Garlic with noodles (and that's perilous in itself due to my ability to burn water), when I thought, hmmm I wont stuff a few Mushrooms in there, I'll spice it up with a few slices of chili. I should have know when elder asked me if I thought it was a good idea.

I washed my hands, and then rubbed my eye.

YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Enough said.

I am banning The Nephew from sticking it on.

Ta

Dear Bin men

yeah, you bunch of lazy Nancy boys, the Pet Shop Boys could carry heavier bins than you. 

I know why you put that ridiculous label moaning my bin was too heavy (even though all 8, 9, 12 stone of me could manage to lug it up the steep hill of my drive in the rain) to get your own back on me for moaning when you left my rubbish for 7 weeks between December and January. 

And the "excess unauthorized rubbish" was my RECYCLING- if you lot didn't lose my box every two weeks I wouldn't need to put it next to the bin. Are you really that stupid you couldn't work that out?

Arseholes

Dear Next Door Neighbour woman.

There we were, happy that we had a couple of nice neighbours either side of the house this time since August, who didn't feel the need to bang on the walls about Mini having a tantrum like the old bat from the last house.

Then the nice Chinese neighbours from one side moved out . 

And you moved in.

Maybe its cos you are French, although every time you have chosen to harass me about mud from the verge outside the houses ruining your new carpet, because of my car, you've had a great grasp of the English language. Shame it doesn't extend to the fact I DON'T HAVE A CAR! No one who lives in my house does, and anyone who visits uses THE DRIVEWAY. Do you not have driveways or neighbours without cars in France?

It will end up that I will fail one day to be in a nice mood and I will scream at you and use "French" of my own. 

Its the neighbour with the posh silver Porsche-but-may-not-be-a-Porsche on the other side of your newly carpeted Chateau.

I like French people, I am teaching Mini the language at the moment. Don't make me add you to the Things that are meaning I need Botox list.

Au Revoir.

To Elder and The Nephew

Stop turning my house into well, a house full of stuff I don't know how to use. I don't even know how to put a CD on anymore, and don't even get me started on Records. WE DO NOT NEED ANYMORE MASSIVE SPEAKERS, SMALL SPEAKERS OR SPEAKERS THAT ARE LOUD!!!!!

I swear I will BAN the pair of you from E Bay.

And Elder, No you are NOT turning my garage into an outdoor studio. Computer nerd Widow is one thing, lost to the Garage widow is a STEP TOO FAR.

The poor Gerbillies are stuck in a corner, feeling unloved, cos Mini can't see where they are, and I'm not cuddling the things. 

BEHAVE STITCH AND ELDER!

Thank you.

Skinny Mini

I may be over reacting, but please stop getting that upset when I pick you up from Playgroup. I am scared that in the day and age we live in, Mary will wonder why you cry and tell me you want to live with Mary. 

Can't you get just a teensy bit kissy and cuddly when you see me? A smile would do.

Love oo Miniature

To all 71 Family Panel members, and everyone else who pops in from time to time

THANK YOU! We have only been live for a month, and I am staggered at the response.

I love you all x

Claire

20SM